Friday, June 9, 2017

Good days, and bad days

So, lately I have more bad days than good days. On good days I get up and spend time with my family, I clean, I shower alone, and I leave the house coming back in a happy mood. On bad days I wake up and I feel like there is a blanket of extreme weight on me. When I finally convince myself to move I feel burning and as I walk I want to lay down. I struggle to breath. I get mad about everything. I hate everything and everyone. Later I am left with feeling bad for everything. People around me just say to push through it. If I know I am doing something wrong stop. Trust me it is not that easy. If it were it would be done and my days would be easier. I mean think about it really... People say "just be positive and your life will get better" and I have tried trust me. I did not just wake up and say "Oh I think I will make all the lives around me hard and in the process I'll exhaust myself". I did not wake up and say "you know what who needs freedom I'll have others take care of me". I look around me and I get it life is not fair and people all struggle but fuck instead of treating me like an invalid treat me human and just show extra compassion. When I rage do not walk away to save yourself and others from me. Hold me till I calm down. People do not want to be around me because I get mean, Yes I do, I do not mean to, but I do then, I am alone because of it which really just makes things worse. The screaming that has been going on in my head gets worse and then when it spills out and effects those around me, they split. I hear myself say things mean things and all I want is for everything to stop and for people to understand how scared I am. I mean it is not all bad but on my good days like my really good days I still feel slow and abnormal. I get more joy out of other people being near me and trying to be happy then I do out of just existing. I ask myself how it got here. How it all came to this. I feel lonely even when I am around people. It is funny because even when people come to see me I want them to go away but when they do go away I am alone...and not happy. I cry soo much now, half the time I am not even sure why. When I have good days I just think better, do better, I enjoy things. This should be everyday.

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