When u feel like a teenager again

This phrase is always regarded as a positive thing. Like to feel young again...or better.  For me it's not that at all. As a teenager I was always depressed an angry... I chased my boyfriend because I always felt like my world was ending. I didn't want it to end with me alone... I had a big fear of being alone. I feel like that now I feel like all I want before it ends is a place of my own where I can feel like I had a family. Its like my world is ending and I want something I can leave behind I can't leave things undone. So I woke up this morning my stomach felt like someone had forced acid into it...my legs were stiff like I had sat in the Indian position all night... I was up most of the night tossing and turning. Thinking I want to do what is best for my family but not knowing what to do trying to figure out what I could do even. Looking at bills but wanting a simple weekend...I am alone...but my mom stayed up with me at least until I let her know it was ok to leave me around 2 am....I feel so helpless...useless even...

Feeling Down

So I am feeling really gloomy today and I am not sure why. It was sudden too, like I was having a great day and now I am just really blah. I am trying to pack and I have new plans and I am really excited but for some reason I am ready to cry... I keep looking for a way out. I am on Twitch plus I noticed I did not give you guys a link to donation page. I could also be down because of the rain which brings me to this my friend started a go fund me.  I am hunting down videos of my son to try and catch up his youtube and I might start a blog about him as well I am just not sure yet. I kind of want him to get into blogging too when he is old enough. He is a ham he makes all sorts of videos now since apparently youtube is life. I should be happy but I feel really icky. I keep looking for a distraction. People expect you to just be in a good mood and if you feel bad they expect you to know why or to perk up around them. I just want people to validate the way other people feel instead of trying to change them. I do not know what that would sound like but I am sure more people would feel good about living...I love my son an most people around me I am a social creature but this ms has changed all of that...

Trying to human at the mall

At the mall watching my son bounce around. I am so thankful for indoor play grounds. He can play I can sit and watch it is in the air conditioned mall. It is great and free fun unless you count gas...at least I'm not exhausted after a few minutes of play to the point that I want to just go. He can run energy out in a safe environment. At the regular parks 5 minutes in I'm hot and exhausted just ready to go home. Then I'm sitting there trying to look like an active mom you know the moms who thought to bring water and follow their child from afar and call their kid down for water breaks etc. At the mall as long as I look up every now and then I got in just fine. Also blogging from my phone is 10 times better since my screen is smaller and it makes my posts look longer. On another note my son I super smart and super helpful he has decided he wants to help with taking care of me. He makes me lunch and makes sure I take my medicine. He insists on holding my hand because he thinks he can help if I fall (lol). He is so cute but I worry he will grow up faster because of me.

Flying Jitters

So, I am going to Texas soon to see my family. I have been flying since I was 12. I have never been nervous about it all of the sudden I am. I am afraid of not being able to do it and embarrassed about having to have help. I thought about just doing it myself but that scares me. I fall at home all the time...falling with my son at the airport would be scary. I am trying to focus on packing but i'm worried my carry on items will not be enough. I have four, two for me and two for my son but I only have three bags so I was trying to get another bag. I found a few super cheap but then I noticed a few clerical errors so my my bank was shy...aside from this my printer stopped working and my son uses it for school. I feel like I am drowning in debt every time I get somewhere I end up back at square one....whatever. My son seems happy I have picture from his summer camp he is having a blast and when I get to go on this trip he will have even more fun I'm sure...

What I have been up to

I have been trying to think about jobs I can do. Standing is hard, walking, sitting, thinking, and communicating all these every day things are not as easy for me. So I was trying to think of something I could do. I saw they needed a crosswalk person... so I thought I could do that and just after this I got up to walk towards the car and I felt myself walking. I felt drunk I teetered to the car  and decided maybe helping children cross the street is not my thing... so I thought maybe I could work in a call center. I was then called by a debt collector and my words were slurred I couldn't think fast enough I raised my voice and to be honest I  felt really stupid. I decided against the idea of a call center. Basically I just cannot seem to work in this society If I fall they assume I would sue if I even look unstable I am sure to lose my job...so when people think I am able bodied it upsets me because I can clean at home without being judged... If I do anything outside of my home society will assume I am drunk or something. I want a t-shirt that says I am not drunk I have ms. Change of subject though I have been trying to find a way I can bring money into the home and not just add up medical bills. As a result I twitch  I do not have a subscribe button but I do have a donation program as well... Twitch is a great way to ask me questions I can answer right off the bat. I don't talk much because a lot of people just want to watch me play. I will aleays answer any questions though and be active on the mic to talk with the people in chat. Making twitch a great place to get to know me.

New Ideas

So, I have some ideas to try and make a little money. Of course I cannot do it without followers. I have been using twitch. It is a place where I can game and get paid for it eventually. I would like to be able to make a separate blog for it. I also thought I might go back on youtube one for my son, one for me and maybe one for my gaming. However, this is a lot for me to handle so I am not sure how well I will do with it. I also have a great ides for an app for people with health problems but I want to get a patent first and I have no idea how to make the app. I am trying hard to make working at home a thing for me. This way I can support myself, stay at home with my son, not waste what energy I do have working away from my son, and if I get healthy ever again somehow I can do a better job at being a mom and maybe make more money. I eventually would like to get a camera for my ps4 and more games to play. I would also like to get some medical bills paid off, and fix my credit. It is not all gloom and doom I do have plans, goals, and really good days. The only thing is what I call a good day most people wouldn't. I think that a good day is a day where my son is having fun and my mate doesn't get beyond upset. I hope that my followers will check out each of these places here is my twitch: https://www.twitch.tv/shaionriswaifu my sons youtube is a bit out dated but here is a link anyways: https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCdUiToEtbJZQPZVT66fGFXw I still have to work on things but so far this is what I have so far...