Liar

I am often accused of lying or exaggerating about my situation. Most commonly from people who do not see me in my day to day life. It hurts to be told that. Especially after I spend my days convincing myself I am not crazy and I do feel these things. When something abnormal occurs I often do my best to take a step back and ask myself what is happening. I ask myself what I am feeling exactly and what may have caused it. If it's back pain for example, I would look at how I have treated my back all day... I'll be the first person to say "well what did you expect when you slouch all day"  If something occurs and I can share it (like if my heart is beating fast or just funny)I do so I can make sure it is not just me. So when these people say I'm exaggerating or lying it hurts.This is where I start a new thing. I am going to start adding definitions. I have been called a hypochondriac (according to called the mayo clinic is defined as illness anxiety disorder, sometimes called hypochondria or health anxiety, is worrying excessively that you are or may become seriously ill. You may have no physical symptoms. Or you may believe that normal body sensations or minor symptoms are signs of severe illness, even though a thorough medical exam doesn't reveal a serious medical condition.) To me when they found the lesions that meant this was not a figment of my imagination.

Support group

I posted saying I have an Epic support group and I do. There is no lack of moral support and often physical support in my life. My mom is amazing she knows when I feel bad and does her best to be here when it really matters. My little brother (1 of 2) who never fails to make me smile with his shenanigans and trouble making. He still respects me and that makes me feel good even though I know I'm not all here.  My sister (3 of 3 ) helps me with everything that is hard for me to do (it is a lot laundry, school, my son, and whatever else I need) . My sister (1 of 3) helps me stay updated on all the gaming stuff and puts my crochet obsession into reality. My sister (3 of 3) works hard and always gives me the most logical advice. My relatively new best friend always has my back, does her best to get me where I need to go, helps me with my room and does my hair. My mate who sits with me and holds me when I can't control myself. My son loves to help and care for me when he can (he also refuses to leave me much of the time). That is just immediate support!  I have a best friend whom I have known since I was 11 or so who always answers my calls and I get to leave it all and go see her from time to time. I have her mom who also always answers my calls and treats me like I am hers. She loves my son and treats him like a grandchild. That gives me support group here in Florida, in Virginia, and in California. I also of course have my dad, Step mom, Aunt and(2 of 2) Little brother, they are always following me on facebook and liking my things. My dad understands that my anxiety keeps me from the phone and loves to hear from me every chance he gets. My Aunt never fails to tell me she loves me as often as she can. My step mom does a lot of research when I have questions (reading is actually hard for me so it helps a lot) My little brother is a teenager so he goes through a lot but never fails to hear me out and makes me feel needed. I have another best friend who never fails to remind me that I have a getaway there and that she loves me. Giving me my support group in Texas. Somehow I forget from time to time that I have them. I know it seems crazy but then again my brain does not really work like most brains. Much of the time Someone in support net is there to catch me. I still get sad like really sad though and still feel alone. I know better but it never fails. I get to the point of crying and honestly not wanting to be here. The issues I am going through  are often hard to understand. This leads to people trying to understand. My thoughts often do not sound logical to others.  This leads to people thinking I am crazy. I often talk about my support group because I have remind myself they are there...trying to make my life easier. They love me and want what is best for me. I am not pleasable and yet they try often and hard.

Easter 2016

Confusion

As I kept going I soon realized it was growing harder. My son started Preschool at an amazing local Daycare Lake county prep Academy It's amazing it's in Eustis. I would get him ready do his hair and load him up in the suv my Memaw gave me. I drove him to school. Even then I began needing help. Waking up got hard and my mom would help me. She would drive over help me get him ready and help me get him to school when it started getting too hard. Mrs. Bromfield the director was amazing. I helped them setup their website and loved being around the school. So much that I started working there. One day I was driving and I tried to stop at a stop light...Pretty basic. My foot was in the wrong spot I felt like a deer in the middle of the road. I had no choice, Although I had lived through it I decided it was not worth the chance. After all my sons life, my life and the life of anyone in the car was at risk... I stopped driving. Even as a rider I would forget where I was going or what the daily plans were. I eventually quit working at the daycare because although I loved the kids and my job I wanted these schoolers to have a teacher who could focus. I started forgetting the order of things like days of the week, months in the year, numbers even. I would forget how old I was and how old my son was. I was always confused. I would stutter, stop talking in mid sentence, Lose words in my vocabulary. I always prided myself on having an extended vocabulary. I believed in precision of language and that using less words was easier than using a bunch of tiny words to explain something. When I talk to my son I use big words. I am often judged because people think he won't understand. I believe he knows what I want and the only way for him to learn is to hear words. Why does it matter what words I use to describe the message, as long as he gets it? I mean when I think about it I have used these words since he was born. It is not like I woke up one day and changed my vocabulary. As such,  my son shocked and continues to shock people around him when he uses big words like vulgarity, exasperated, and so on. I beam every time I hear him use big words. Since, I suffer from confusion though My vocabulary is fading, my processing speed is lower than most. I often feel like when I look in a mirror I do not see the old, intelligent, confident, witty me anymore. My stories often run on and lack a beginning end and middle. Despite all of this I push on...

Auron at VPK

Pains and Wonky feelings

So, you all know where it started. Now lets talk about how I got to this point from there. I was told the most important thing for me to do was walk and stick to my huge list of doctor appointments filled with specialists who all had their own Idea of what was wrong with me. They all wanted to run a lot of tests. I would get weird pains and I thought I could not feel my legs or feet but that is an inaccurate way to describe it as I learned more about what was going on, I learned what I was actually experiencing is called loss of sensation. My legs and lower chest felt like I had ran miles. Or that I had attempted to go upstream in an icy cold spring. I had a hard time sleeping but whether I slept or not I was always tired. Then pain in my legs was often excessive. I have shocked myself in the past quite a bit and each time I felt it unnecessary to tell an adult. Of course there are the small things like zapping my tongue with a nine volt battery. I also however had a curious mind beyond that. I looked into a light socket of a lamp and saw something in it. In the back of my mind I knew not to reach in. I thought though what will happen I mean what is the worst that will happen? Could it really be as bad as people make it sound? I stuck my finger in as far as it would go and yanked back. It hurt. Not too bad though I had lived after all. The next time I was plugging in my Jesus night light in the dark. I thought I was smart I reached out palm facing the outlet to get an idea of where the actual plug was.  As I plugged it in though I stuck the tip of my finger in the whole. It of course shocked me It was worse than the light socket but again I lived. The third time and last time I will mention my shocking experiences (even though trust there were more) I was a gamer and one of my favorite games was crash bandicoot. When you see an electric fence in game it is surrounded by blue static. I was young so I assumed this was a fact. I was told by a babysitter that a fence was electric and not to touch it. I looked at it and the animals behind it. I thought "how could they put an electric fence around animals?" "wouldn't the animals get shocked..." I did not know much about this sort of thing I was a military brat and had not been around livestock enough. I then thought "maybe it is turned off"  since I do not see any blue electricity. I reached out and I touched it. Oh man did it hurt. Then again I had lived so it was not too bad. The importance of these stories is that I felt an electric pulse running through my legs one I would describe as being much like the outlet so it was between the socket and the fence. Not too bad but enough to keep me from sleeping as it occurred most at night. (which I now experience in my arms as well and am told by medical professionals that this is known as neuropathy)  My headaches were awful and I was hot all the time. I told myself it was ok and I was just crazy. Boy was I wrong. I was a nanny at the time and walking started getting hard. Waking up became super hard. Lifting things got really hard. My back hurt all the time. I told myself I was normal and surely I could keep going. I found my job super hard and had a nice lady and her two children depending on me. I got help from my family so I wouldn't officially let anyone down. Of course I couldn't keep the job and I looked for one I might be able to manage...

me and the baby at Aunt Vikis

From the Top

Hey guys,
    I am hoping I will not make people bored. My name is Corrie. I am 26 years old and I have a 6 year old son.

Me and the baby before I changed my hair

I am creating this blog because even though I have an epic amount of support this journey is still hard. I am hoping that by sharing I will not only be able to express myself but I will also be able to help others in their journey. I have a lot wrong with me. Mentally I am sure not much is right and physically it seems a new part of me begins to fail each month. I was not always like this. So, where do we begin? Let's just start from the top. I grew up in a pretty loving home my parents did divorce but it was not horrible. I was always so clumsy... broken bones, burns, cuts, and if it's sharp and on the ground you bet I will find it. I don't remember the pain. From any of those incidents. What I do remember is being rushed to the ER and surrounded by people I loved. I figured I would grow out of being clumsy and figured it was all normal. When I was 6 I was playing at a construction site while my dad was working. I slipped and hit my back on a rock. I peed myself from the fall... I had my friend Justine walk home with me and I never told my dad. I had back pain after that and still have back pain. I am not entirely sure if my herniated disk is related to that...but I have a herniated disk. I remember being obsessed with babies. I always wanted as many of them as I could have and I looked up to my Memaw for her brilliant mothering skills. I was smart growing up I hit a few gifted classes and got noticed by Johns Hopkins University when I was in elementary school. As I got older I was punctual, caring, and well learned in Adulting. Or so I thought. I worked hard on my credit and did my best to ensure that things would go well in as many controllable aspects of my life. I had my son in 2011 when I was 20. It was a rocky start but I was overjoyed by his existence. I managed to get My Associates of Arts in Business.  I am now struggling through my Bachelors of Science in medical administration. Why is it all the sudden a struggle? Well about three or four years ago I started getting tired much more than normal. I also began having crazy periods. then two or three years ago I started losing sensation in my feet which is now working its way to my chest. My face went numb on the left side and I could not control the muscles in my face. I went to the ER they thought maybe I had some sort of stroke. I was there for four days. they ran all kinds of tests. At the end of it they said there was a high chance I had Multiple Sclerosis as they found lesions during an MRI. The issue with my face was most likely from complicated Migraines. At least that is where it all started.