feeling empty, wanting more

I wake up and stumble through my day and sleep. My life is on repeat. I find it empty I just want more. I hunt for jobs most of the time knowing I could do them if society was not so stupid. Society expects smiles, 24/7 happiness. When you are in pain, sad, mad they want you to lie. They ask how you are and just want you to reply with good. They do not want to here about your day nor do they care how good or bad your life is. God forbid you tell them you are not ok and inconvenience them with your sorrows. I do my best to hide my pain from my son. I try to wait for sleep until I know he is sleeping. This is because I cry in my sleep. When I am asleep I cannot hide the pain I am in. He does not need to worry about me. I want to help support us. Many things I am capable of require excessive breaks and take a long time. I surround myself with people like me. I do this because when I am around people who are not in chronic pain they try to make me feel better. They try to pump me up or relate to me. They mean well I am sure but it really does not help. I am left hating myself for not "doing enough" or "limiting myself". I can assure you I always push my limits. People who are "able bodied" do not see this because to them a load of laundry does not get done due to laziness. For us though things do not get done because we ran out of steam or pain stopped us. Even writing this has become hard. Now that I have made you thoroughly bored  I thought I would share that I cut my sons hair.