Trying to conform

In order to accomplish something anything really... I have moved in with my aunt to be close to my dad. Hopefully I can get somewhere this way. I am afraid of the pain in my arms because I recognize it to be nerve damage. I use my arms a lot and cannot imagine them being like my legs. I am doing what I can as fast as I can to get treated but it seems like a lot to me. I suppose the fact the I am no where is my fault. I try really hard and get tired of people acting like I do not try hard enough. I get tired of being told what to do and how to do it when it comes to my son. I am in an extensive amount of pain and because I hide it to the best of my ability people refuse to take my word for it. I do not whine and cry because my pain is my pain and I refuse to let it be an annoyance to those around me. This is probably why people do not understand I am not sure how to make them understand either. I assume I will sort it out.

do or do not

Everyday like many others I am faced with things I have a hard time doing. For me leaning over to grab something can be a huge mistake or closing my eyes in the shower could lead to leaning forward. I get scared when I do really simple things but I try hard to not allow that to stop me. I whine and complain a lot and I know I should not. I feel really bad when I ask for help and sometimes get upset when I cannot get help. I know it is not the right way or the best way to handle things. It is really easy to fall into the self pity train since so much has changed so fast. I went from being an able bodied, super confident, capable female to feeling like I cannot have any alone time. Although to be honest being alone scares me and makes it hard for my brain to know what to do. I tell myself at least 100 times a day that I am ok and there is not much I need to do. My brain says I need to be doing something all the time to be productive. (being productive can be laughable for me) I make myself clean, budget, attempt school, and generally try to be a human without the help of other humans. A few times I have fallen and had to call for help. When I have I often get the question "why did you not just ask for help before you fell?" to which I rarely have an answer. I suppose I do things that lead to falling because at 27 I really do not want to have to ask for help all the time. I have seen this to be a common thing as people age they need more and more help and instead of asking they test the boundaries. Mostly because let's face it no one wants to not be able. I remember seeing older people nod off and I would think "must be nice to be able to just nod off" now I nod off and I get upset because I lose time and it is not ok. I have to learn to accept all these things even though I feel like a massive failure who never accomplished anything in the 9 years I have been an adult. It is like someone decided since I was not successful soon enough they would just stop it in it's tracks. I look up at the glass ceiling and I cry as quietly as I can screaming in my head that I know who I am and this is not her. I see me and I know I am not looking at me. Yet each day I wake up and legs burning I sit at the edge of the bed and I tell myself do or do not...there is no try.

Follow the leader even in sickness

Growing up I was always so clumsy breaking or hurting myself in some way. As a result, I spent a lot of time in the hospital emergency room...when I was pregnant I ended up back home because I had trouble getting the care I needed. Once again my health is bringing me home. I feel bad  because I would like to care for myself. I also feel bad because as low maintenance as I try to be I always end up being high maintenance. Really high maintenance at this point. However, good leaders lead by example and when they cannot do so physically they can continue to lead from wherever they are emotionally. A long with these thoughts of leading I have been considering the position of the follower. A good leader knows they are nothing without their followers. Followers make the leader. they affect the leader and have more power really. As a follower it is important to remember you are important and that the leader only holds the position they hold to help the followers show their full potential. Followers must realize nothing in life is simple not even the leader has a stress free life. Leaders are no strangers to stress and behaving silly due to stress. Followers and leaders need to remember no question is silly. Confirming ones thoughts is a great way to prevent yourself from being silly. Any true leader will welcome questions. A leader that dislikes questions is faking their leadership...If a true leader is asked a question they cannot answer it is best they admit that they have no answer. I am unsure where I am in my life leader...follower...etc.