Zero Value

I am up late because, this blog was meant to help me clear my mind, share what I am thinking with others, and hopefully help people deal with some form of chronic illness. I often feel drunk, or high even though I am not. I have a hard time balancing and my day can start off really well and end so badly. I wake up and struggle to move. I take a bath and brace myself because closing my eyes under the water has become a nightmare. I forget what I am doing while I am doing it. I struggle with spelling and many other basic things like dates, time, etc. I look at my 6 year old son and often question my ability to teach him. I try really hard to be logical and to show my intelligence. I often fall short of myself. I know I am no longer me. I used to feel so empowered just being me. Now I feel lost and often alone even though I know better. I tell my hand to make things happen and sometimes nothing happens or they seem to do what they want. I tell myself to get up and move but my legs fall short in their ability to hold me up. My cognitive ability is super low. I smile often though and struggle through each day thinking one day I may not smile. I look at my son and ask myself how far gone I am and how much further this will take me. While I can do anything I am focused on doing all I can to get as better as I can get. At the end of the day I am scared. Scared one day I will hold no value. Right now I have limited value. I cannot help with an income. I cannot help put food on the table or pay off debts. I know trying to get a job means I am asking for the employer to accept me on so many grounds. At the end of the day I know they will not be able to. I look for other ways to bring in money and always fall short. I never feel like I am doing enough. Like I am not enough. I feel like a huge burden and a waste of space. Which is funny because I have so many people who love me and say none of it is true. If it is not true then why do I feel this way. I was not always like this. I worked...and hard too. I took care of everything I could. I did my best to be a good mom and wife... and if I was why am I so alone now? Why do I value at zero. No one goes through life thinking they will have no value. I had so many desires, hopes, dreams. I wanted to be someone and to do something. In all of this somehow my family, friends, and even strangers seem to love me. They seem to want me in their lives. So the point in this blog is so people can see that even when life is hard...there is more. I will be ok. I may not ever be the old me but, I can embrace the new me. I can make this work. I cry sometimes but it's ok to not be ok. I just have to keep going. A wise man once told me that the only real difference between sane and insane is perception. Mind over matter. It is what you do with how you feel that hurts or helps. Of course he said it in other ways but to be honest I cannot remember how he said it. the meaning behind it stuck and I am sure he could say it 100 times more perfect. I like to put pictures up with each post this time I have no real lead on what to put here so I'm wingin it... A wise woman once told me "fake it 'till you make it" so here is a shot of me and my dad.