undeserving

I have a hard time with the idea that poor people should not have nice things or do fun things. Coming from someone who is not only poor but also not healthy enough to work. I feel horrible when I spend money on anything but food, bills, and other responsibilities. My so is six and he will say mom can I do/have xyz if we have the money?" often the answer is no but he says ok and moves on. Most of the nice things we have were bought for us, given to us used, or the money was what I call lucky money. I do my best to remind myself that happiness is also a responsibility. being as incapable as I am makes me feel dirty when I do anything. I feel like if I cannot work I do not deserve to spend time with my family doing anything. Like going out is a crime. As walking is hard for me and gets harder each day I find myself in need of a wheel chair  for shopping, fun days, etc. I hate it. I push myself to walk hoping it will help me to walk. I still get stared at even though I have discovered that people around me can see the difficulty I have walking. I now have no hair . I tell myself that is why they stare even though they stared before. The only real difference is I care less and less what others think as I waddle to a wheel chair and sit down. If I have to get a push chair I feel like a burden and often try to avoid them. I hate feeling like a burden. "able bodied" people tend to say "if you need anything please ask I will help you" I get it they have lives and thins to do but when I here that I think maybe they over step themselves. I say this because when I ask for help it is often met by them taking their time to do it or them just avoiding it. Of course I feel like a burden. I try to spread my needs out to as many people as I can and I try to make my needs meet their needs. So if someone is headed to the kitchen then I will ask to be fed. However, it almost never works out that way. I often want to live in my own house and have a nice place...telling myself my son helps himself enough and having an open floor plan will somehow make life 100 percent easier. Even though I want those things I know I cannot have them. I feel like with all that I need from others how do I deserve to go out. When I do fun things usually it is me in a chair beaming at my son and whoever is with me. I love to see the people having fun. I often look miserable even when I am enjoying myself. This is probably due to all the physical pains and stuff. However, in my mind I am so happy. I remember in these moments my pepaw in his wheel chair watching us. I never understood how he enjoyed watching me. I do now. often when my family does fun things I get tired and while it makes sense that I want to go home I try to wait until they are ready to leave. This is mostly due to the fact that I want to stay as long as I can to watch them and enjoy them. It is odd how I can be so happy not doing much at all. I get so exhausted in my chair watching them run, climb, jump...etc I feel like they could do more if I could have some kind of income but so far that has proven to be a difficult thing for me. When I try to come up with ways to make money I and quickly reminded that even getting dressed is hard. As undeserving as I feel I went to fun spot with my son and his father I had fun mostly watching and tried to participate where I could.

Auron Wearing his daddy's new hard hat. No it is not really related to my post.