gaming/crafting rant

When I game I feel like a kid. I move like badly. I know where I want to be and what I want to do but it just does not happen. The same goes for my crafting. It is upsetting when I have to ask for help. I mostly stopped twitching because of our internet but the other reason is I am embarrassed. I cringe watching me play so I do not want other people to have to see it. When I craft I cannot craft alone. I am so unstable and to be honest I hate it. I stopped crocheting because my stitches look weird and bad. I am a crazy perfectionist. Which is hard since having ms has made doing anything accurately very difficult. Although I feel unstable doing anything. So I know this is short but I am working on a really long post that I plan to make into a three post series. It will be about what it is like dealing with my ms before I get treatment. I just recently received my first paper that officially says I have ms I still have tons of tests to go through before I can receive treatment. I may work on a vlog and try to get back into twitch, etc. I am hunting a picture of me and my sister with our fist playstation but this is me and my little man way before I got sick...

Feeling Down

So I am feeling really gloomy today and I am not sure why. It was sudden too, like I was having a great day and now I am just really blah. I am trying to pack and I have new plans and I am really excited but for some reason I am ready to cry... I keep looking for a way out. I am on Twitch plus I noticed I did not give you guys a link to donation page. I could also be down because of the rain which brings me to this my friend started a go fund me.  I am hunting down videos of my son to try and catch up his youtube and I might start a blog about him as well I am just not sure yet. I kind of want him to get into blogging too when he is old enough. He is a ham he makes all sorts of videos now since apparently youtube is life. I should be happy but I feel really icky. I keep looking for a distraction. People expect you to just be in a good mood and if you feel bad they expect you to know why or to perk up around them. I just want people to validate the way other people feel instead of trying to change them. I do not know what that would sound like but I am sure more people would feel good about living...I love my son an most people around me I am a social creature but this ms has changed all of that...

What I have been up to

I have been trying to think about jobs I can do. Standing is hard, walking, sitting, thinking, and communicating all these every day things are not as easy for me. So I was trying to think of something I could do. I saw they needed a crosswalk person... so I thought I could do that and just after this I got up to walk towards the car and I felt myself walking. I felt drunk I teetered to the car  and decided maybe helping children cross the street is not my thing... so I thought maybe I could work in a call center. I was then called by a debt collector and my words were slurred I couldn't think fast enough I raised my voice and to be honest I  felt really stupid. I decided against the idea of a call center. Basically I just cannot seem to work in this society If I fall they assume I would sue if I even look unstable I am sure to lose my job...so when people think I am able bodied it upsets me because I can clean at home without being judged... If I do anything outside of my home society will assume I am drunk or something. I want a t-shirt that says I am not drunk I have ms. Change of subject though I have been trying to find a way I can bring money into the home and not just add up medical bills. As a result I twitch  I do not have a subscribe button but I do have a donation program as well... Twitch is a great way to ask me questions I can answer right off the bat. I don't talk much because a lot of people just want to watch me play. I will aleays answer any questions though and be active on the mic to talk with the people in chat. Making twitch a great place to get to know me.