do or do not

Everyday like many others I am faced with things I have a hard time doing. For me leaning over to grab something can be a huge mistake or closing my eyes in the shower could lead to leaning forward. I get scared when I do really simple things but I try hard to not allow that to stop me. I whine and complain a lot and I know I should not. I feel really bad when I ask for help and sometimes get upset when I cannot get help. I know it is not the right way or the best way to handle things. It is really easy to fall into the self pity train since so much has changed so fast. I went from being an able bodied, super confident, capable female to feeling like I cannot have any alone time. Although to be honest being alone scares me and makes it hard for my brain to know what to do. I tell myself at least 100 times a day that I am ok and there is not much I need to do. My brain says I need to be doing something all the time to be productive. (being productive can be laughable for me) I make myself clean, budget, attempt school, and generally try to be a human without the help of other humans. A few times I have fallen and had to call for help. When I have I often get the question "why did you not just ask for help before you fell?" to which I rarely have an answer. I suppose I do things that lead to falling because at 27 I really do not want to have to ask for help all the time. I have seen this to be a common thing as people age they need more and more help and instead of asking they test the boundaries. Mostly because let's face it no one wants to not be able. I remember seeing older people nod off and I would think "must be nice to be able to just nod off" now I nod off and I get upset because I lose time and it is not ok. I have to learn to accept all these things even though I feel like a massive failure who never accomplished anything in the 9 years I have been an adult. It is like someone decided since I was not successful soon enough they would just stop it in it's tracks. I look up at the glass ceiling and I cry as quietly as I can screaming in my head that I know who I am and this is not her. I see me and I know I am not looking at me. Yet each day I wake up and legs burning I sit at the edge of the bed and I tell myself do or do not...there is no try.