When u feel like a teenager again

This phrase is always regarded as a positive thing. Like to feel young again...or better.  For me it's not that at all. As a teenager I was always depressed an angry... I chased my boyfriend because I always felt like my world was ending. I didn't want it to end with me alone... I had a big fear of being alone. I feel like that now I feel like all I want before it ends is a place of my own where I can feel like I had a family. Its like my world is ending and I want something I can leave behind I can't leave things undone. So I woke up this morning my stomach felt like someone had forced acid into it...my legs were stiff like I had sat in the Indian position all night... I was up most of the night tossing and turning. Thinking I want to do what is best for my family but not knowing what to do trying to figure out what I could do even. Looking at bills but wanting a simple weekend...I am alone...but my mom stayed up with me at least until I let her know it was ok to leave me around 2 am....I feel so helpless...useless even...

My Pepaw

I know that when I was a baby My Pepaw was thin and able to walk. I do not remember it but I see pictures of him. What I do remember is when I would sit on the floor next to his wheel chair and play games. It is a pattern of course gaming was a big part of my life I was a 90s baby so games were the up and coming. I remember oreos and Dr. pepper. At a very young age Dr.pepper was also a big part of my life. I remember visiting my grandparents and my parents did not seem to like the habits I picked up. I remember sneaking out of bed late at night to a light nudge at my feet. It was Pepaw with his finger to his lips beckoning me to get into the Dr.pepper and Oreos to bring them out while he got the t.v. ready. We would stay up really late and wake up really early to spend as much time as we could alone together to play. I also remember him chasing me through the house in his chair doing his best to scare me with his teeth. To be honest during this time my Memaw was not as vivid a memory. My Pepaw was the only thing I could see. I loved him with all my little heart had. When I was 10 I was visiting my mom and something told me he was not here anymore. Sure enough my mom came in and did her best not to tell me what was happening so that I could fly out calmly. I knew though I was not upset. I took it rather well. It hurt but in my mind he was happy and able to walk again. I have never responded to death like most people and I still do not grieve with tears. I did it my own way and in my own time. I did many times in my pre-teens and teenage years cry but mostly because the house was so quiet without him. I cannot imagine a life without these memories. Seeing him and loving my Memaw and my Pepaw gives me strength to push on. Life is not easy for anyone. The best thing my grandparents showed me was not to judge people. Having them has opened my eyes to so many things and helps me with my son and him having grandparents.

My Memaw

My Memaw had so many illnesses and functioned well enough to care for my Pepaw (who had a seizure and was in a wheel chair. She is someone I look up to. I loved her with all of my heart and she always seemed so proud of me even when I made mistakes. She had 3 children and lost one at a young age. To me being half the woman she was would be a feat. I miss her very much. I remember her watching me play games. She would buy them and set them up and watch me play. It was a big part of my life. Christmas was her favorite holiday. She would decorate her yard so well and always went overboard. She always sent us home with a vehicle full of stuff. I saw her twice a year and enjoyed every minute of it. When I got my GED she gave me her SUV it was a God send and I still remember how it felt driving it home. My son called her MiMi and she loved it. I remember when she bought me my clarinet and sent me to private school. She made me feel so special. She would not have me going to the local schools.

She had Lupus and diabetes and may have had other issues I was not aware of. I never saw her cry and I never saw her not want to push on and live. I loved food at her place and enjoyed cakes and she always made sure no one went hungry or left without eating. She was great with technology and always wanted the newest thing. When she died I started getting sick...When I feel like I can't do it anymore I think of her and it helps. The best thing in my SUV is a recording that holds her voice. I love listening to it. Sometimes it hurts but it makes me feel closer to her.

Home school and Home school

So, I am in school as I believe I have mentioned before. I have an AA in business and I have 4 more classes till I have a BS in Medical Administration.  It can be really challenging because understanding what I hear and read is often difficult. My son is also home schooled. This can be difficult and some people become perplexed that I am willing to do this. I have a lot of help and my son does not like being away from me. We went to sea-world for a field trip. This is another good reason him and I are home schooled. It gives us a freedom to spend time together. Real talk: (I'm scared one day I won't be able to do these things. As it is I had to use one of those motorized carts.) He had a blast and it was nice to watch him enjoy himself. I took a lot of pictures and at the end of the day Auron, Geega, and I were more than done. I felt like I had walked the whole day. I enjoyed it though. As for my school even though it is hard I do it in hopes that the VA will pay me due to my GI bill which they rarely do. I will be done soon though. I love being able to spend all this time with my son and watching him learn. sharing his milestones with other people.

Pains and Wonky feelings

So, you all know where it started. Now lets talk about how I got to this point from there. I was told the most important thing for me to do was walk and stick to my huge list of doctor appointments filled with specialists who all had their own Idea of what was wrong with me. They all wanted to run a lot of tests. I would get weird pains and I thought I could not feel my legs or feet but that is an inaccurate way to describe it as I learned more about what was going on, I learned what I was actually experiencing is called loss of sensation. My legs and lower chest felt like I had ran miles. Or that I had attempted to go upstream in an icy cold spring. I had a hard time sleeping but whether I slept or not I was always tired. Then pain in my legs was often excessive. I have shocked myself in the past quite a bit and each time I felt it unnecessary to tell an adult. Of course there are the small things like zapping my tongue with a nine volt battery. I also however had a curious mind beyond that. I looked into a light socket of a lamp and saw something in it. In the back of my mind I knew not to reach in. I thought though what will happen I mean what is the worst that will happen? Could it really be as bad as people make it sound? I stuck my finger in as far as it would go and yanked back. It hurt. Not too bad though I had lived after all. The next time I was plugging in my Jesus night light in the dark. I thought I was smart I reached out palm facing the outlet to get an idea of where the actual plug was.  As I plugged it in though I stuck the tip of my finger in the whole. It of course shocked me It was worse than the light socket but again I lived. The third time and last time I will mention my shocking experiences (even though trust there were more) I was a gamer and one of my favorite games was crash bandicoot. When you see an electric fence in game it is surrounded by blue static. I was young so I assumed this was a fact. I was told by a babysitter that a fence was electric and not to touch it. I looked at it and the animals behind it. I thought "how could they put an electric fence around animals?" "wouldn't the animals get shocked..." I did not know much about this sort of thing I was a military brat and had not been around livestock enough. I then thought "maybe it is turned off"  since I do not see any blue electricity. I reached out and I touched it. Oh man did it hurt. Then again I had lived so it was not too bad. The importance of these stories is that I felt an electric pulse running through my legs one I would describe as being much like the outlet so it was between the socket and the fence. Not too bad but enough to keep me from sleeping as it occurred most at night. (which I now experience in my arms as well and am told by medical professionals that this is known as neuropathy)  My headaches were awful and I was hot all the time. I told myself it was ok and I was just crazy. Boy was I wrong. I was a nanny at the time and walking started getting hard. Waking up became super hard. Lifting things got really hard. My back hurt all the time. I told myself I was normal and surely I could keep going. I found my job super hard and had a nice lady and her two children depending on me. I got help from my family so I wouldn't officially let anyone down. Of course I couldn't keep the job and I looked for one I might be able to manage...

me and the baby at Aunt Vikis